My plan was simple, really: trick the Lord into giving me a prime job at church. We finally moved into our very first house last Monday, so today was our first Sunday in our new ward. The idea is simple: wear a really nice suit the first day at church, and make sure you shave and comb your hair. The Lord thinks you've turned a new leaf and inspires the Bishop of your new ward to give you a calling commesurate with your new duds, like...well, anything but nursery worker. The Bishop wouldn't dream of sending you to a room where little grubby paws would wipe boogers and animal cracker crumbs all over your sparkly suit, right?
I think I may have blogged about doing this when we moved into our previous ward and it actually worked out pretty well. I got called to be the Elder's Quorum secretary, where the worst thing I had to deal with was no one turning in their home teaching reports on time.
Apparently the Lord got wise to me. Maybe I shouldn't have blogged about it.
So this morning I shaved and combed my hair for the first time in--well, however long it's been since the first Sunday in our previous ward. I pulled my dusty, unused-since-the-first-day-of-church-in-our-previous-ward suit from the closet and put it on. Church time rolled around and I put Ash in her car seat, blissfully unaware that as I gave her a bottle, I was setting in motion events that would result in my doom.
We arrived at church, made a good first impression as we strolled confidently into sacrament meeting, and found our seats near the front where everyone could admire the back of my combed head and the Bishop and his counselors could get a good look at my shave and slightly-wrinkled suit. We sang the opening song, said the opening prayer, conducted a little ward business...then the Lord pulled the trigger.
Ash peed on me.
Child was apparently in on the plot. Before I could move, she whisked Ash and the diaper bag away and was gone up the aisle. I was left completely exposed, with nothing to hide a giant wet spot in the middle of my lap. Disaster! Ash had hidden my scriptures as we were rushing out the door that morning so I didn't even have those. They were all in on it!
The boy carrying the sacrament tray was coming from the left! The man who counted attendance was coming from the right! The person in front would turn around to introduce himself at any moment!
I thought fast, grabbing a hymnal and opening it on my lap as if I were deeply absorbed in the lyrics to "I Believe In Christ." Three ice ages later, Child returned with Ash and I was able to snatch her back and make a hasty, damp exit from the chapel.
So the Bishop's only impression of me was what he got from the all of five minutes I spent in sacrament meeting. "Must be a less-active member," he probably thought. "Maybe not a member at all. Probably just came because his wife nagged him to be supportive on her first day in a new church. Wonder why he was reading that hymnal? Bit of an odd fish. Nice hairdo, though."
So...yeah. Nursery for me for sure. No way the Bishop is going to trust me with a calling that deals with anything above the most rudimentary gospel principles. So much for that plan.